Spidercat

We are blessed with many a cat toy in our household. This includes 2 huge pieces of our own furniture that mum dubs the ‘cat trees’. These are great for both climbing on, and clawing. The idea being, that if we sharpen our claws on the cat trees we don’t sharpen them on the couch.

This generally remains true in our household, as there is nothing quite like the feeling of stretching out and grabbing hold of that carpeted column and letting rip. However, sometimes clawing furniture, whether mum’s or our own, isn’t for the purpose of keeping claws sharp and trim but purely for attention seeking. In these circumstances I find the couch is a much more worthy object as there is always a reaction.

When clawing the couch, one must wait until mum is in direct eye contact and then slowly engage the claws, so the sound of claw on cloth literally ‘pops’. Sometimes, when in a play frenzy, Sylvie or myself scoot along the floor pulling ourselves along the bottom of the couch with our claws, which also obtains the desired attention. More often than not, I just apply the slow claw release, which emphasizes the popping sound (and a curt yell or clap from mum to stop).

This morning, however, I applied a new technique: the Spidercat. I did a circuit loop running around the lounge at high speed, and ended up on the couch for some claw popping. However, instead of claw popping from ground level, I managed to gain enough momentum to suspend myself midway on the couch, looking like I was defying gravity. When mum went to tell me off, she couldn’t stop laughing. Spidercat was a winner.

Prof. Griff

Figure 1: Diagram of Prof. Griff applying the Spidercat technique to claw popping.

Layering the Love

It is important, and I can’t stress this point enough, that your human mum and dad have constant reminders about you, even when they are not home, or you are sleeping in some private hidey-hole.

I find one of the best ways to accomplish this is to sleep on clean laundry, or all manner of clothing if you are lucky like me and have messy parents who leave items strewn around the room.

This is a situation where mum just can’t win, no matter what colour she wears. I’m a caramel colour so my fur shows up on anything dark, while Kinky’s black coat covers any light coloured item like magnetic dust.

Sylvie wins, hands (or paws) down, though. She’s silver, with each blade of fur white at the base and black at the tip, so no matter the outfit she leaves a fine, furry layering of fuzz that is impossible to remove.

You will find, with persistence and perseverance, that the fur will eventually coat the washing machine, so even ‘clean’ items that come out from a deep spin cycle already have fur inbedded in them, before we even start the laundry basket snoozathon.

This really reiterates the point to the human folk: What’s theirs, is mine. And, all things look better covered in fur. (The loose, dissociated kind, not the animal pelt kind).

Prof. Griff

Figure one: Prof. Griff demonstrates the art of rolling - to evenly distribute fur along the garment or blanket.

Figure two: Prof. Griff takes part in a clean laundry snoozathon, so items have been fur-ified before they are able to be worn or used.

Figure three: Asst/Prof. Kinky shows that one doesn't have to wait for a clean laundry run to attempt to fur-ify clothes.

Why I'm not popular with mum right now

Mum loves me for so many reasons, it’s hard to list them all. Although, I can make a start!

I’m very handsome, she tells me every day; she loves my purr-meow; she loves how I run over to her and bunt my head on her hand or under her armpit or where-ever I can reach; and she loves the fact I love to be brushed, and I push the dog out of the way.

Last night, however, I think I crossed the line. As it’s been quite hot here in Perth, I’ve been sleeping in the lounge, while Sylvie religiously sleeps on mum’s bed. From the cockroach incident the other day (where Sylvie caught a giant one that had snuck inside and ran with it half poking out of her mouth, into the bedroom to release it so she could play), it’s quite clear to everyone that the bedroom is in Sylvie’s territory.

Indoor cats, like outdoor cats, split up the territory in the house. There are some rooms that one can claim, and some parts of rooms that a cat may claim. Sometimes it’s even the furniture, at a particular time of day, for example Sylvie claims the kitchen bench at meal times, although we all have to share the space. Sylvie has also claimed the bed. Every night she sleeps on it, close to mum. Every single night. Not like Griff who comes in for his cuddles in the morning, or me who may make an appearance or two before flitting back out to the cat tree. She sleeps on the bed EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. The weather has been slowly cooling down – today was only 29 Degrees! This cooler weather puts me in the mood to snuggle, so for the last couple of nights I have joined Sylvie, mum and Griff on the bed. Which has been nice.

But last night I decided that it’s no longer time for Sylvie to be all high and mighty that she owns the bedroom – I want it. So I challenged her for the territory. I woke mum up in the middle of the night by straddling Sylvie, holding her tightly by the scruff of her neck. She was easy prey as she had been fast asleep snoring like the fatty she is. Mum swiped me away, so I waited until she fell asleep again, and tried it once more. Again mum woke up and told me off. We repeated this about 7 times, mum getting grumpier and me and Sylvie still in a stale mate.

I don’t think I can let this rest, though. I want to claim the bed so I’m going to have to get crafty.

Asst/Prof. Kinky

Figure 1: Asst/Prof. Sylvie, AKA Fatty-Boom-Booms, comfortable on 'her' bed.

Figure 2: Asst/Prof. Kinky says, "Move over! I want to claim the bed!"

Meet the Team

Prof. Griff – a five year old chocolate Burmese whose hobbies include bathing in sun beams, all forms of snuggling and cuddling, and perfecting the perfect howl. Prof. Griff learnt everything he knew from the famous (and now sadly deceased) Prof. Cian, former head of the household.

Prof. Griff waits to receive questions from his many students.

Asst/Prof. Sylvie – a three and a half year old DSH silver tabby who revels in drinking water from the tap and bath tub, and consuming all manner of treats and tucker to keep her cuddly fatty-boom-boom shape.

Asst.Prof. Sylvie poses for a head shot.

Asst/Prof. Kinky – a three and a half year old DSH black male with a shortened and crooked tail (bent in two directions), great at acrobatic tricks and bunting heads. Kinky loves biscuits and purr-meowing when happy.

Asst/Prof.Kinky grows bored of opening his christmas presents early.

Student: Aoife – a two year old black, female, newfoundland dog, the second heaviest member of the family after dad (exceeding mum’s weight by 18 kg!). Aoife is currently learning and practicing techniques taught by the feline members of the household.

Aoife awaits a lesson eagerly.

The academic staff get together for an impromptu discussion about basket etiquette.

An Essay on Meowing

In our household of three felines and one giant beast (the newfoundland doof, Aoife), us cats have found the meow very useful when used properly. Some will advise to use it sparingly; you may have heard of the great work ‘The Silent Meow’¹. This can be a very effective manner in achieving your hearts desire, however us of the Butland residence follow a different school of thought: The Omnipresent Meow.

This has developed in our household from our patriarch, Griff (AKA Professor Griffington) being a Burmese. Burmeses, Siameses and all things oriental follow the principles of The Omipresent Meow, and hence both Sylvie and I have seen its effectiveness first hand, and thus have modified it to our own personal uses.

Griff is constantly heard howling the house down when he wants attention. As his breed dictates, he has perfected the loud wail within decibels of the ultimate annoyance factor. Sylvie and I, not being oriental in any form, cannot achieve this same pitch, however it does not cease the usefulness of our meows. Griff will yowl mainly for a) cuddles (after choosing a vacant room as far as possible from mum, so his yowl echoes around the house) or b) outside time, while standing on the kitchen bench by a slightly open window. (This is a point of contention between him and mum because we are inside cats, unless garden time is supervised).

Sylvie’s meows are at a softer frequency, and have a delicate female trill accenting the base mew. She mainly meows for a number of reasons a) she wants a tap to be tuned on (and often sits in the bathtub waiting for human eye contact before trilling); b) she wants to play fetch – the meow is at a higher frequency as she runs into the room with a milk ring in her mouth; c) Its dinner time, and a gentle trill reminds mum that she’s hungry.

My meows have been modified for my own purposes. One of my meows is mum’s favorite sound – she even has a special name for it, the Purr-Meow. When I’m really happy and purring I sometimes let a small quiver of mew escape in my happiness. The other morning (being 4:30 am, and Griff had just gone in for cuddles) I tried a different technique. I saw my orange mousey sitting on the couch and decided that I just had to play with it. So I meowed incessantly to mum to come out to me. I didn’t stop meowing, either. It went something like this: “meow…meow…meow…meow…meow...meow…”

Unfortunately this wasn’t the first time I’ve done this, and I think I might have overplayed my cards. Unlike previously, when mum darted out of bed thinking something was wrong, she stayed in slumber. So I kept meowing, creeping up to the door, I even carried orange mousey with me. Except mum wasn’t sleeping – I caught her peering at me from the comforts of her bed, Griff snuggled in her arms. And now that she knew nothing was wrong with me, she went back to sleep. Darn it! It was a lesson for myself in the differences between the Omnipresent Meow and the Incessant Meow – the Incessant Meow needs to be used sparingly along the lines of the Silent Meow.

One last comment of meowing – in a multi-cat household, the meow can be used to its advantages to cause maximum annoyance. For example: the vet trip. When all three of us go for annual vaccinations, the Incessant Meow is employed quite effectively as three cats with three different tones yowl, trill and quiver as mum drives. If we have to suffer, so does she.

Asst/Prof. Kinky

Figure One: Asst/Proff. Kinky demonstrates stretching the vocal chords (front right leg shaved from a past incident involving a bee sting, inflammation and a trip to the emergency hospital).

1. Gallico, P. W., (1964). The Silent Meow: A Manual for Kittens, Strays and Homeless Cats. Crown Publishers.

Lesson Two: Beware the hat

Don't let your human put silly things on your head and take photos (Fig 1). Don't let them make you look silly at all. This is most likely to occur in the following situations:

1. While sleeping (Fig 2); As a precaution ensure that at least 30 % of brain function while snoozing is on-call, to circumnavigate sneaky human behaviour (i.e. sleep with one eye open if required).

2. Treat induced play (Fig 3); Resist the urge to do silly tricks or wear silly costumes for treats. If the urge is too strong, at least ensure the treat is classed as High Value (i.e. moist, meaty treats are best).

If caught in a compromising situation, assume an unimpressed expression (Fig. 4).

Lastly: Always weigh up the pros and cons of the situation. Sometimes a small indiscretion may result in a huge payout (e.g. birthday hats may result in a special birthday dinner, or toys). As long as there is no or limited photo evidence, this can be tolerated.

Asst/Prof. Sylvie

Figure One: Asst/Prof. Sylvie models an example of silly behaviour with a hat placed on her head by her human.

Figure Two: Asst/Prof. Sylvie demonstrates what may happen if you fall asleep and don't preserve some brain function towards eliminating sneaky human behaviour - tap/pipe on head.

Figure Three: Asst/Prof. Sylvie demonstrates what may happen if you succumb to treat induced play.

Figure Three: Asst/Prof. Sylvie demonstrates the correct 'unimpressed' facial expression when a silly apparatus is placed on her body. Cats do not need to partake in festive holidays or moods, unless they benefit directly (i.e. presents).

Lesson One: Cuddling

Sometimes it's time to cuddle, and a cat knows when that time is. A good human should accommodate this. For example, I really enjoy early morning embraces, and mum knows this. I’ve trained her to lift up the blankets so I can curl into her belly (and knead the oh-so-soft skin if desired). I can further define early morning as between 4:00 and 5:55 am (before the alarm goes off – I know I’m off the game when that damn thing bleeps and I’m not in bed, then its a racing game to get there before mum stirs, although I normally have five minutes up my tail).

I’ll let mum off every now and then for being tardy, or non-responsive. The other night I really felt like a cuddle. Mum had only been asleep for a few hours, but it was snuggle time, I could just feel it. After insistent prodding and walking across her face, she didn’t budge, her soft breathing similar to the dog in slumber, so I managed to poke a hole under the blankets myself and assume snuggle position. When she did wake, her hands automatically started patting me. I do love a well trained human.

Sylvie sleeps on the bottom of the bed, in between mum’s legs, so with both of us in place mum is pinned down. When the weather gets cooler, Kinky will probably join us, so three cats will be sufficient heating to ensure that the dog isn’t brought in for heating. The dog always stinks of sweat, stale grass and cat poo. Who would want to use that for cuddle-time?

Back to my main point, cuddle time. Your human should be accommodating you when cuddles, pats and head rubs are required. This does not, however, work in the reverse order. Be wary less they think they can command a cuddle at any time they want. Even if you do agree a cuddle may be nice, make sure at least 60 % of the time you give them the cold shoulder, turn your back, close your eyes or walk off. And if they try and pick you up for a cuddle embrace, claws are permitted, for their own benefit, to keep them in line.

Prof. Griff

Figures 1 and 2: Professor Griff demonstrates the blanket mode of cuddling, without human prop.